The internet fad that almost ruined mouths for me

For a period of maybe a week I couldn’t move on the internet for people wanging on about that Korean peel-off lipstick. Picture gorgeous Korean girls looking really sad with dull pale lips or hopelessly smudged lipstick, gifted this magical new invention and suddenly thrilled with life and their kiss-proof drink-proof amazing lip colour. 

Bollocks, really. 

Obviously I bought some, because I get bored and search eBay at 3am for things I’d never buy from a shop (once I ended up with an 8ft long toy snake that cost me £20). “It can’t be that bad,” I thought, “it’ll be fun to try!”.

WRONG.

No, not “Wow!”. I bought three thinking I’d test each shade but honestly, fuck that. I had to test one twice because the first lot of photos I took were horrendous quality. The second lot are marginally worse but I’m not putting myself through this again.

That is the smirk of an idiot.

On first squeeze you get a good whiff of chemically fruity horror that is reminiscent of those bizarre half-cupcake-half-fairy scented dolls from the mid 90s, or concentrated strawberry bubblegum. Certainly doesn’t smell like something I want near my face but I paid £1.20 for this so by god I’m going to.

It is the worst. 

It’s gloopy and thick and I tried to hard to keep my tongue away from it that I was inhaling drool for the next 5 minutes. You have to wait for it to set (I’d say dry but it’s essentially jelly) so you have to make this face for much longer than anyone ever should:

(You’re totally welcome for that.)

When it dries it feels like when you’d spread PVA glue on your hands as a kid and wait to peel it off. Which I suppose is what this is the makeup equivalent of, and it’s just as grim. Just thinking about it now is making my stomach turn. It’s ruined my relationship with my lips forever.

After 5 minutes/an eternity of not being able to close your mouth, it dries down to a semi-sticky freakshow.The horrible applicator pictured above means applying this is a messy pain in the arse, and as it dries even darker than it applies it’s VERY OBVIOUS at this point. I did briefly consider using a lip brush to apply it neatly but I didn’t fancy having to then go into the garden and set fire to all my makeup brushes when I was finished.

Harrowing.

What should be the most super fun part was actually more of a relief than anything, but also really really upsetting. Just..never do this. Please.

EW. And to add insult to injury this makes my hands look like those of a 90 year old welder.

(Terrible photos but I am not doing this a third time!)

Don’t get me wrong – it definitely works. I can’t fault that. But the result is not worth the journey. The effect is pretty much what you’d get if you ate a Ribena ice lolly, and it’d be a much  much more pleasant experience.

No thanks never again.

Spot the Fake

I got bored at 3am a couple of weeks ago and ordered loads of weird 80p shit from AliExpress.

I bought a knock off ColourPop eyeshadow just to see how accurate they could make them, it turned up this morning so away we go! 

I’m not telling you which is fake yet. So far they’re identical – any colour difference is my shit photography.

They’ve really nailed the packaging. Taking that last photo was a fuckabout but I wanted to show that even the shiny sides were right – the difference in texture is down to how the boxes lay. It’s spot on so far!

The purples on the inside of the boxes is different. Tut tut. What else…

The writing around the outer edge goes in a different direction, but unlike LimeCrime fakes where the text differs a bit this is word for word…just the opposite way around. 

It’s at this point I realised I should have looked closer and compared two metallics or two pearlized. You live, you learn. 

I also should probably have remembered to take this photo pre-swatch but I was too giddy. The print on the eye shadows are both the same, I thought this would be where the fake would start to become clear but… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yeeeeah the purple is fake.

From just touching them you can tell that the turquoise is much softer and more buttery, and you can see how crumbly the purple is in comparison (pic 2). The payoff isn’t half as good either.

This is going straight in the bin and nowhere near my eyes, because as good a fake as it may be there’s no telling what ingredients are in this and I’m not losing an eye to an 80p eye shadow. 

That’d be really embarrassing.

I wonder how shit this is?

…is essentially what I thought when I bought some of this. Specifically the Primark foundation. 

If the photo seems familiar it’s because this is the second half of the last post that I meant to write immediately after…then didn’t. I’d like to say it’s because I’m super busy and professional but it’s actually because I’m really lazy and got a bit too into the free Saints Row.

This will be mostly unflattering photos, I’ll warn you now.

First up: MUA Pro Base Prime and Conceal Colour Correcting palette 

I’ve used a green colour corrector under my foundation for a while because it’s miles better than just concealer at covering up horror-spots, but due to getting no sleep because of a snoring husband I’ve got some killer dark circles that need dealing with as well. And who doesn’t love a palette.

I feel beautiful. 

Since doing this I’ve taken to using the peach rather than the yellow under my eyes and just using the yellow in the inner corners, it makes me look a lot less jaundiced.

It’s super creamy and it blends a treat, I’ve used this every day since and it’ll go on my re-buy list as soon as I hit pan. It works great over moisturiser/primer and under everything else. 

Here’s the skinny if you don’t know: Green covers red patches. Lilac brightens yellow toned skin. Yellow neutralises purples, ie dark circles under eyes. Peach “adds radiance” apparently but for me it does a better job of concealing not-super-dark eye bags. The middle bit is a highlighter I never use because it’d be a bloody contour for me.

But should you get it? YES

NEXT! Primark Pro (hahaha) Foundation in Porcelain

Not sure why I took this photo. A bunch comes out when you press it? Surprise?

Well if that isn’t the surprise this certainly is: it’s fucking ace.

Not a matte finish but slightly dewy, the coverage is medium but buildable. It’s on a par with Urban Decay’s Naked Skin. For real. Primark. 

I’m a pale Betty and finding a foundation that matches my skin tone is a massive ball ache, the only true match I’ve found so far is Loreal 24h Infallible…and this. I’m not a lover of a dewy finish but using a translucent powder over the top mattes this down and it’s bloody bang on, for £5 you can’t really argue can you? 

I wore it to work for a few days and it stays on really well, doesn’t crack, it’s generally a good little foundation. 

But should you get it? YES

Now? ColourPop Sculpting Stix (Dove)

Oh. I just love this. For some reason whenever I use powder to contour I either look like nothing happened or like I’ve grown a full beard. No in between.

This goes on like a pen (great fun, I like to draw dicks under my cheekbones and blend it with a sponge blender) (say what you will but Real Techniques blender pisses all over BeautyBlenders) and blends out really smoothly to give you a subtle (I hope) contour. 

Dove is the palest shade, obviously, because I’m not bloody Kim Kardashian.

CHEEKBONE. YES. Shiny nose disappears later after the translucent powder. Try not to be blinded by it, or the increasing shitness of my hair.

But should you get it? YES

NEXT? MUA Pixel Perfect blusher

I really rate MUA as a brand, they’re really affordable and really good quality. The colour payoff of a lot of their products is brilliant. Sadly this is not one of them. I’d show you an “after” photo but there is literally no point.

But should you get it? FUCK NO.

NEXT – MUA Luxe Power Brow

I was looking forward to this for so long! £4. Bargain. 

I got dark brown because though I have black hair, black eyebrows are a bit harsh and I look like Helga Patacki’s goth sister. The setup of this is fun and a bit Inspector Gadget:

Awww tiny lid brush! Unfortunately a bit too tiny and it made midnight eyebrows (I left it a bit late) a ball ache to do. The actual product goes for MILES though, it’s very good. Aside from the fact that it’s not my colour AT ALL. 

It’s …definitely a different colour to my natural eyebrows. If they did a darker and cooler option it’d be spot on but for now a warm mid-to-dark brown is the darkest you’ll get.

But should I get it? IF it’s in your colour, sure.

NEXT. Sleek highlighter palette “Solstice”

FuckfuckfuckfuckYES I love this palette. So shiiiiny so hiiiighlighty, next time I’m out I’m getting the cool toned version (Midas) and slathering them all over my body.

It’s a tenner. The payoff is phenomenal. It lasts forever. It is the best.

The cream highlighter isn’t as highlighty (what?) as the rest but I only use it for the bow of my lip when I’m doing a full face anyway. They blend out really well and I just bloody love this palette OK?

But should I get it?  OBVIOUSLY YES GET TEN

Finally: Primark Pro mascara

This is shit, do not bother. It is exactly what you would expect from Primark. Nail varnish slightly better after two coats 

This has been a lot longer than I intended so I can only apologise. To summarise: 

Primark foundation is surprisingly good. Other Primark makeup…shit. MUA blusher is pointless. I’m terrible at taking photos. I’m marrying the Solstice palette. 

High Street Booty

Sorry, fucking hate the word “haul”.

I bought a bunch of stuff this weekend that I was curious about after hearing mutters from makeup groups I’m in (my entire Facebook feed is makeup groups and cool dog groups, not one colleague’s status update to speak of). I’ll pop a proper review on tomorrow because I’ve had a beer now and can’t be arsed throwing a full face of makeup on just to wash it off again BUT-

I picked up some bits from Primark and some new items from MUA. Over the past few months I’ve been trying a lot of high end foundations but I’ve still not found one I rate over Loreal Infallible 24h Matte, but I’ve heard a lot of really surprisingly positive reviews from fellow ghostly girls who have said Primark’s new “pro” (OK Primark calm down) foundation is bang on. For a fiver I’m hardly going to skip it, am I?!

I also grabbed a handful of makeup brushes from Primark because their stippling brush is my OG. I have a special kind of hatred for Beauty Blenders and I’ve tried a million other fancy pants brushes but I always go back to my £1.50 Primark stippling brush for foundation, so I’m going to give their other brushes a whirl and see if they’re any cop. They’ll probably shed all over my face but I reckon I can pull off a TeenWolf look. Or…ApproachingMiddleAgeFasterThanSheIsComfortableWith Wolf. Whatever. Shut up.

Anyway rather than tell you about things I’ve bought but not tried, while having a beer and listening to the new Blink182 album (Matt Skiba fangirl til I die not sorry bout it) I gave the face mask and lip scrub a go. 

Korean Sheet Masks have exploded in UK popularity recently, not a bad thing at all because getting dried face mask goop in your hair is a fuck about of epic proportions. Primark are clearly jumping on that trend with both feet because they were selling a good 10 versions at the Manchester store. 

They’re definitely weird. It was slimy as FUCK which I wasn’t expecting, though why I thought it was going to be like a wetwipe with eye holes I don’t know. Once I peeled it apart (and didn’t rip it because I’m dainty as fuck) I had to squodge it onto my face…I don’t know if it’s down to Primark’s weird sizing (although I would have thought that was confined to just the clothing section) or I have a really short face, but the mouth hole was pretty much on my chin and the eye holes were a bit wonky. Or I have a fucked up face but I think I’ll blame Primark rather than go through that shitstorm of emotions and surgeries if that’s alright with you.

Anyway it didn’t feel too bad! Slimy and weird, sure, but that’s part of the fun. This mask was meant to be illuminating and moisturising: 30 minutes after the residue drying off, my skin feels the bomb dot com and the little dry patch on my nose is no more…I’m not sure what “illuminated” is meant to look like but I have a beer buzzed rosy face so I’ll call it a win. Thumbs up.

I also gave their lip scrub a go and I’m immediately a fan because I love a good scrub. It smells BRILLIANT, like sugary almond which is essentially what it’s made of, and very much like Soap and Glory’s Breakfast Scrub. 

Did I accidentally taste it? Yes. 

Was it delicious? Yes.

Was it actually an accident? 50/50.

As a serial liquid matte lipstick user I NEED a good lip scrub or there’s a serious risk of my lips looking like a scabby cat’s arsehole after a couple of hours. I’m very happy to report that this cute bastard does the job a treat. My lips feel really soft (there’s no way to not sound creepy when you say that, is there?), I’m 100% buying this again. At £3 you can’t really go wrong, but I’d actually recommend this to people in my life. 

I did wonder if I was using it on the *right* lips for a moment though…

Ba dum chhhhh